by Lauren Berley, republished from January 27, 2014
Learning to trust my gifts is quickly becoming my greatest expression of “letting go.” Actually, it’s exhilarating to let go of everything I once understood as the gospel of humanity: inner chaos.
In the place of all that noise and misinformation is the supportive, productive, and creative Everything, that I can finally hear. It gives permission. And it gives understanding. Tools and answers too. The right people come. Even big surprises. Learning to properly package my insight and release it in digestible pieces is taking some self-discipline and introspection. Mostly, it is taking some good alone time to understand what I am learning. And trust. And observe. And be fully present, the only way to integrate such bigness.
Currently, I am living in an almost esoteric state, a place where I am very busy stretching, growing, taking in, and outputting. To the neighbors, perhaps it looks as if I’m reading, playing, doodling, spraying varnish, jabbering via video chat, and all else perceived from outside my form. But the biggest of my daily moves is happening in the unseen space, imperceptible to the outside world. It is my transition into being a sincerely, deeply, and peacefully happy person.
Having shifted into the Being phase, I am receiving and processing transformative information and understanding. Basically, “what’s next” is coming to me passively, calmly, and joyfully. I still maintain the same level of commitment to my endeavors, minus the prison of anxiety from intensity/complexity/drive. I can experience who I am fully, and make choices accordingly.
Lately, since the profound shift that came with understanding giftedness and why it seems that I operate on a different frequency (answer: because I do!),
I have been moving forward at mach-something, without, in fact, doing anything at all.
Daily efforts to dislodge the mind from stuck imprints and transition into the freedom space are becoming second nature, and I am happy. I will say the words again: I. AM. HAPPY.
My mother used to ask me often: “Are you having fun?” or “Are you happy?” And I would cringe at either question, because both led me to my inner shrew, the one that recoils at the mere reminder of what a failure it is to be void of joy. You have to be void of joy if you find TMZ unbearable, right?
Why was it that others could unwind, laugh at something void of meaning or quirky reference, and look so content. Inside, I was tight all the time. I was living by some absurd self-imposed standard of what things should look like, feel like, and be… a perfectionistic utopia that could be achieved if I “do better, work harder, perfect, do more, make people do…” and nothing outside of that ultimate picture had value.
In any moment, I was 50 paces ahead, and missing out on the NOW. And always failing to find happiness in the places I noticed others finding it. I was resigned to having been born a joyless shrew.
Friends called me Daria from the show on MTV, and enjoyed my sarcastic slant. Yes, it was my gift of humor working for me, but inside it was my un-funny reality.
One day I became so irked by my mother’s cheerleading questions (repetition is torture for the gifted) that I snapped at her with:
“I’m not a jack-in-the-box. I can’t perform and be happy-go-lucky for no apparent reason. ”
I could feel her hurt immediately, and I backed way into the darkness of guilt in response to the hurt I’d caused. Then came the shame, anxiety, failure, and vow to raise my bar higher for next time.
It’s funny, as I write this and revisit this little anecdote, I am able to objectively see the traits of the gifted mind at play, and how they revealed themselves in the scenario with my Mom. I can see so clearly who I am, and how it was buried under misconception and a confused self-image.
Liberation has come from being able to watch my own mind doing its dance, and to understand it. And to actively set it on the right path moment by moment. There is energy on this path that keeps me headed in the right direction, after all.
And to find HAPPINESS at long last. Who could have known that the limiting constructs on which I had been resting my identity were so flimsy? How could I have qualitatively experienced their values when they weighed so heavily on my reality?
Simple ownership of my own mind, and the nearly-immediate results that support the importance of this work are energizing me greatly. The more I observe objectively, the more I learn, and the more I want to share with others. Every day something happens that adds to my happiness. Every day there is proof of joy. It’s growing exponentially.
I have transformed isolation into productive solitude which, in turn, casts a glow of sacredness onto the social encounters I join. Both spaces are sacred, purposeful, and essential.
I am able to connect fully, avail myself wholly, and offer more today than ever before, without tap dancing. And this new leg of the journey has only just begun in the past few months. I can imagine the untapped potential in sustained mastery observer and governor of my own mind-wiring.
My name is Lauren Berley and I am a Certified Professional Coach. I am also a working contemporary artist. Film maker. Photojournalist. Writer. Small-scale farmer/farm stand artisan. And your kindred partner on the Gifted & Creative journey.
I help Gifted and Creative people unblock pathways to creating their most meaningful lives. And my artwork expresses the sensations and yearnings from deep within my little seed of Spirit.
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